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Sunday, December 18, 2016
Should I Date My Best friend? - Research shows that very rarely does dating your best friend turn into a lasting partnership
Have you ever heard the adage, “don’t fish off the company pier”? I remember my boss telling me this in one of my first post-college jobs. I thought it was funny, but he was serious: don’t date people you work with. The phrase could equally apply to dating a best friend. Stakes are high, and there is a greater potential for loss if you do decide to take the plunge with a BFF—you just might lose the Best and the Friend, forever.
However, this is a common problem clients ask about: should I date my best friend? In my work as a psychic and relationship coach, I’ve seen many people date their best friend, and the outcomes typically follow a couple of paths: either total failure and loss of the friendship, or success for a while, with a petering out of the relationship over time. Very rarely does dating your best friend turn into a lasting partnership. Let’s look at why.
This may sound like a complex topic, but in reality, it just means that the people we are attracted to as friends are often energetically like us. The trouble with dating friends is that over time, because of the energetic similarities, we end up matching them vibrationally. This creates kind of a neutral charge for the relationship and typically kills passion and growth. People literally just become too much alike.
Luisa was a client in her 30s who had dated a lot but not yet found a partner. She was getting anxious about having children and really wanted to be married before she started a family. She came for a reading to find out if she should date her best friend, Warren.
“We’ve hung out for so long, and the relationship is just so easy,” she told me. “Lately I’ve been kind of looking at him like, hmmmm … and he’s always wanted to date me. Like Harry Met Sally, you know.”
Of course, Luisa has free will, and I wouldn’t tell her what to do. We did the reading, which revealed that they had been married in a past life. The relationship had lasted a long time, but they never had children. Their marriage had been typical for the time period, based on societal rules and economic need. They had no karmic contract to marry again, but Luisa thought this might be a good sign. She decided to jump in with Warren and see what happened.
I saw Luisa several months later at a social event and asked her how it was going. “It’s not,” she told me. She showed up the next week for a reading. The romance had started well because they already knew each other. But Luisa had found sex with Warren awkward.
"I know it sounds weird,” she said, “but it was like sleeping with my brother or something. It never felt right.”
The relationship had drifted into a pattern similar to that of their friendship, which was easy, but now became underlaid by stress because they weren’t having sex. Luisa thought Warren would be a great dad, but she was unable to really see a long-term future with him. She begged me to explain what was happening.
Energetically, I could see that Luisa and Warren were simply too similar. Not that their personalities were the same, but just that they matched each other, like electrons with the same charge. It’s a difficult concept to explain, but once I mentioned it Luisa knew exactly what I meant. I told her that unless one of them changed dramatically, the relationship would probably always be more like a friendship. She didn’t want that and chose to break it off. Unfortunately, their friendship didn’t survive.
I’ve seen this pattern many times. Sometimes the couple will marry and have children, only to find three or four years later that they’re in an easy but not growthful relationship. Some people are fine with this and find ways to be stimulated outside of the marriage—sexually, emotionally, or intellectually. It can work, if people are open and willing to communicate. But most often, the relationship ends, and the friendship is never the same.
The people we attract as mates often show up in contrast or polarity to us. This isn’t quite the same as “opposites attract,” but it’s a similar concept. For those of you who have a goal to grow in your relationships, this type of connection actually has better long-term odds. Though the connection might not be as effortless, there is less chance of codependency, energy matching, or boredom.
My client June and her partner Jessica are a good example. June is the type that gives and gives and energetically likes to merge with her partners. This had gotten her into a lot of messy, co-dependent relationships in the past. A conscious choice to find someone who was in polarity to her brought Jessica into her life.
Jessica is very independent, more type A than June, and very focused on her work. She loves June deeply and has fully opened her heart to her. But she won’t merge with June, and the two are very different energetically. They don’t have all the same friends, interests, or desires. They do have passion, regular opportunities for growth, and space to be interdependent within the relationship.
“Our relationship isn’t easy,” June said. “But it’s challenging in a good way. I have to stand on my own two feet more. And Jess has had to learn to communicate better. It’s like our places of challenge are also the places that bring out the best in us.”
Of course, people can be too dissimilar, and this doesn’t work well over time. June and Jess share some values and life goals. They agree on whether or not to parent and are respectful of each other and their differences. Can you see how this is different from the pure “opposites attract” sort of model?
Ultimately, a combination of free will and karmic contracts—like karma mates or soulmates—guides us to make our relationship choices, for better or for worse. If you are tempted to date your best friend, ask yourself why. Are you bored? Feel your clock ticking? Want to have an intimate experience (and they’re always around)?
Sometimes love does blossom between friends, and sometimes it works. But you can also love someone deeply, and they still might not be an appropriate partner.
If you are contemplating dating a BFF, it might be the perfect time to get objective guidance from a psychic or intuitive. Advisors on Keencan help guide you to the clarity you need to make a good decision.